I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
