yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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