I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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