This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
