I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Actions speak louder than pants.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
