can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
