Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
