So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I stole a fireplace last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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