lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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