NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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