I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The uberlube is also flammable
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
