Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
