It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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