I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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