I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
