Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
