I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
