my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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