What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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