i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
