Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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