I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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