I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
