I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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