we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
