I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I need help removing her.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
