I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
