Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
