there's paper in my vomit.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
