Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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