i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
