I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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