so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
