I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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