Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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