what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
