Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
