dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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