you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
