Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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