Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
