I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
