we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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