finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
