It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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