We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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