A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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