So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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