Where did you get a picture of my penis
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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