I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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