Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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